Chapter 11

I have learned a lot about myself since I've gotten to know Lena. I've learned how much I could love...and how much I could hate.

First I'll talk about love, since that's what I want to talk about!

Before Lena, I had no idea that I could ever love someone so much. Just being around her makes me happy. I live for the moments that I can make her smile and laugh.

Just listening to her voice when she talks, is beautiful. Actually, I bet she'd be a great singer. I'll have to ask her if she's ever thought about that. Now, if I could have Lena *and* we were singing together in a band! I couldn't ask for anything more!

Lena makes me feel like I can do anything! I don't know how I managed before I met her.

I keep dreaming that when the day comes where I'm able to gather my courage enough to tell her that I am in love with her, that she will give me that excited smile of hers that I love so much and she'll wrap her arms around me tightly. Then she'll say, "I love you too, Yuli." Then she'll kiss me.

Is there any way that *anyone* has imagined a kiss more often than I have? I doubt it!

Is there any way someone as beautiful and wonderful as she is could ever fall in love with me? I sure hope so!

Now about hate.

I *also* didn't know how much I could hate someone before I found out what had happened to Lena when she was younger. I've never hated someone as much as I do her uncle--for sexually abusing her, and her mother--for refusing to believe her.

The fact that Lena went through all of that and *still* manages to be so kind and loving is amazing.

So much makes sense now that she's confided in me about her childhood. The nightmares....the pain in her eyes that I've seen ever since we first met....all of it is understandable.

All I want to do for the rest of my life is love Lena, and help her find peace.

Chapter 12

Even though Lena was very nervous as she waited for her doctor's appointment, she knew that she would have been even more so if not for Yulia.

Yulia had pointed out to her that the exam would probably be less stressful if the doctor was aware of Lena's past. After getting Lena's permission, Yulia proceeded to call up doctors and interegated them on how they would handle a patient who had a background of sexual abuse.

The doctor Lena was seeing today was the one Yulia felt gave the best answers to her questions.

Lena had complete faith in Yulia's judgement.

Plus it helped that Yulia was here with her.

Lena realized that this was one of the reasons she loved Yulia. Yulia would help her when she needed it, but she didn't treat her like a helpless child or a victim.

Yulia simply understood.

*****

Yulia was very proud of Lena.

She imagined that it was fairly common for sexual abuse survivors to find exams like this difficult.

Some people think that being brave means that you are never afraid, but Yulia knew better.

True bravery is when you do something even when you are afraid.

That is what Lena was doing, and that is why Yulia was so proud of her.

The doctor had handled everything very well so far. She would tell Lena *everything* she was about to do before she did it.

But now it was time for the part of the exam Lena had been dreading the most.

Yulia could see Lena tense up as she put her feet in the stirrups. She held Lena's hand in both of hers. Lena gave her a strained smile.

"I'm right here." Yulia said. "Just try to relax and it will be easier."

"Your friend is right." The doctor said. "Relaxation is the key to making this as simple as possible." She sat on the stool and went to examine Lena. Then she said, "What..." in a startled tone, and then stopped abruptly.

Yulia knew from the expression on Lena's face that she knew what the doctor had wanted to ask.

Lena closed her eyes and said, "The scars you see on my inner thighs are from where he used to burn me with cigarettes."

Yulia felt sick from rage. Before, she wanted to kill Lena's uncle. Now she wanted to torture him first, *then* kill him.

"God damn him!" Yulia swore.

"Amen to that." The doctor said softly, but with feeling. Yulia instantly decided that she *really* liked this doctor.

"Are you ok? Do you want me to continue?" The doctor asked.

Lena nodded, but kept her eyes shut. Yulia suspected that she *wasn't* ok.

"Lena? Look at me, please." Yulia said softly.

Lena opened her eyes. Yulia began stroking her hair with one hand while she held Lena's hand with the other.

"Just focus on me, and what I am saying. Ok?" Yulia said. "I'll keep talking and you listen to me."

"All right Yuli." Lena said and gave her a small smile.

Yulia talked about anything and everything. All she wanted was to keep Lena's attention on her until the exam was done.

Finally the doctor said, "Ok, I'm done. I'll leave so you can get dressed. We will call you with the results on the test in about a week." As she walked over to the door, she gave Yulia an approving smile.

Yulia had started to walk out as well, so that Lena could get dressed in private, but Lena didn't let go of her hand.

When Yulia gave her a quizical look, Lena said, "Stay for a minute. Please."

"Ok Lena." Yulia said.

"I just wanted to thank you." Lena said. "For everything."

"Oh Lena....I was happy to be able to help. Honestly!"

"I know...but I wanted to thank you anyway. I don't know how I ended up with as good a friend as you are, but I am so happy that you are in my life!" Lena said as she embraced Yulia.

"You are just as good a friend as I am." Yulia said. "You have helped me more than you'll ever know."

"I'm glad to know that I've helped you, Yuli." Lena whispered in her ear. "Because you have just been an angel to me!"

*****

They decided to go out to the park after they left the doctor's office.

While they were walking past the playground, Yulia nudged Lena and said, "Look at them."

Lena looked and saw two girls, about seven years old, playing in the sandbox. One had dark hair, the other was a redhead.

"Junior versions of us." Yulia said, grinning.

Lena smiled and nodded.

As they watched, another girl went over to the sandbox. She was somewhat bigger than the other two girls. She marched up to the sandcastle the redhead was working on and kicked it apart.

The dark-haired girl promptly dumped a bucket of sand on top of the bully's head.

Lena and Yulia exchanged glances and started laughing.

"Maybe that is a long-lost little sister of yours." Lena said as she giggled.

The bully shoved the one Lena thought of as "Yuli junior" to the ground. The redhead yelled, "Don't you hurt my friend!" and began throwing their buckets, plastic shovels, and handfuls of sand at the bully.

Lena and Yulia laughed even harder at this, and were still laughing as the parents swarmed in to break up the fight.

"Looks like you might have a long-lost sister too." Yulia said, snickering.

"Perhaps so." Lena said, wearing a huge grin.

The bully stormed off with her parents, leaving the two girls free to play happily in the sandbox again.

On impulse, Lena walked over to them. Yulia followed.

"Hi." Lena said. Yulia smiled and waved at the two girls.

"Hello." The girls said together.

"I liked how you two stood up for each other." Lena said, smiling. "Are you best friends?"

The girls nodded.

"So are we." Lena said, nodding in Yulia's direction. "I'm glad you've found your best friend already."

"We're going to be best friends forever! Even when we are as old as you." The redhead said seriously.

Lena managed not to giggle at this. She felt that if she did she'd hurt the girl's feelings.

"We are going to be best friends forever too." Lena told them as she took Yulia's hand.

"Yes, we are." Yulia agreed.

"That's good!" The dark-haired girl said with a smile.

"You two have fun. Goodbye!" Lena said and started to walk away with Yulia. Yulia waved goodbye before she turned to walk away.

"Bye!" The girls called out after them.

Lena and Yulia walked on, both smiling.

When Lena looked back at the girls a few minutes later, she could see that they had already built a bigger sandcastle than the one that the bully had destroyed.

Chapter 13

"That's weird...my mother is home." Yulia said as Lena parked the car in the driveway. "She is supposed to be at work."

"Maybe she had to come home to get something." Lena suggested. "If she starts giving you a hard time, we can just go to my house. I know that my mom won't be there."

"Ok." Yulia said. "That sounds good."

But as they got out of the car and walked to the front door, Yulia was hit with the urge to take Lena by the hand and run back to the car. Then she'd tell Lena to drive *anywhere* that was far away from here.

But instead she opened the door.

*****

Even Yulia was stunned by the look of pure hate her mother gave her as she walked into the living room. As bad as their relationship was, her mother still had never looked at her like this.

Then she saw what her mother had in her hands, and she understood.

It was her journal.

For almost a year now, Yulia had been writing in her journal every night about how she was in love with Lena. How she wanted to kiss her, touch her...and now her mother had read it.

Yulia felt like an animal caught in a trap.

"You disgusting pervert!" Yulia's mother yelled. "I always *knew* there was something wrong with you! That's why I've always hated you!" She pointed at Lena and said, "Does she know the sick fantasys you have been having about her?"

"No." Yulia mumbled, looking at the floor. She didn't want to see the hate in her mother's eyes anymore.

And she was terrified to see what expression Lena might have on her face.

Then she felt Lena take her hand.

Astonished, she looked up at Lena. She could tell that Lena was a bit scared of the raving madwoman in front of them. But more importantly, Yulia saw that Lena was not horrified to find out Yulia was in love with her. In fact, Yulia could now see that Lena was in love with her too!

It was so obvious, Yulia wondered how she had not seen it all along.

Yulia was still looking into Lena's eyes when she heard her mother say, "I should have known that you'd fall for some trash like that--an ugly whore that fucked her own uncle!"

Lena looked like she'd been slapped. She quickly covered up her feelings, but not before Yulia saw the agony in her eyes.

Yulia gave Lena's hand an extra squeeze, then let go of it so that she could walk up closer to her mother. Then she screamed, "I HATE YOU! DON'T YOU TALK ABOUT LENA THAT WAY! I LOVE HER! DO YOU HEAR ME? I LOVE HER!"

Before Yulia had time to even think of dodging the blow, her mother hit her in the mouth, hard enough to knock her off of her feet.

Yulia spit blood out of her mouth as she started to get up. Then her mother kicked her in the ribs, knocking her down again. As her mother continued to kick her, Yulia instinctively curled up into a ball, trying to protect herself.

Then she heard Lena shriek, "NO! LEAVE HER ALONE! I LOVE HER!"

Then Lena threw herself over Yulia's body, shielding her.

Yulia's mother didn't stop the assault. If anything, she kicked and hit Lena even harder. The girl's love for her daughter seemed to enrage her.

Yulia struggled to get free, frantic to stop her mother from hurting Lena.

But Lena wouldn't let her go.

"Lena! Get off of me!" Yulia cried out when she heard a whimper of pain slip past Lena's lips.

"No." Lena said in a surprisingly calm voice. "I won't let her hurt you. I love you."

*****

Eventually, Yulia's mother tired of the beating and stopped.

"I'm going back to work." She snarled. "You *both* had better be gone when I get back home. I never want to see *either* of you again!"

She snatched up her car keys from the table and went out the door. Lena and Yulia didn't move until they heard the car start up and pull out of the driveway.

Lena let go of Yulia, and could see that Yulia had been crying.

So had Lena. Both girls had cried as silently as possible, unwilling to give Yulia's mother any pleasure from hearing them.

Now that it was just the two of them, they sobbed as they held each other.

*****

"Are you ok?" Lena asked once she was able to talk again.

Yulia nodded. "She just busted my lip, that's all. How about *you*? Are you ok?"

"I'll be sore tomorrow, but that's all." Lena reassured her.

Part of Yulia wanted to ask Lena why she had protected her like that, when she could have just run for help instead.

But Yulia knew the answer already. It was just difficult for her to believe that someone could love her that much.

Yulia looked into Lena's eyes as she took both of Lena's hands in hers. Then she said, "I love you. Will you come with me?"

Lena smiled, and Yulia thought it was the most beautiful smile she'd ever seen.

Lena said, "I love you too, and I'll follow you anywhere."

My wish is coming true, they both thought.

Then,almost not believing that she was finally doing this, Yulia gently kissed Lena--their lips barely touching. When she felt Lena respond, Yulia intensified the kiss gradually, taking it as far as Lena wanted to go.

When they broke the kiss they only pulled back a few inches. Both girls were breathless from the strength of the passion they had felt. They looked at each other a long moment, then Lena whispered, "I have wanted to do that for so long! I have been in love with you almost since the day we met. I was just afraid to let you know."

Yulia gaped from surprise. Then she said, "I've been in love with you too! I've dreamed of this moment so often...I can hardly believe this is happening!"

Lena smiled and kissed Yulia . Then she said, "Believe it. I'm here and I *love* you."

Chapter 14

"We'd better start packing your stuff." Lena said. "Then we will go to my place and get my things."

"Yeah, ok." Yulia said.

They walked into Yulia's room and began packing. Yulia pulled out a box from under her bed, opened it, and showed Lena the contents.

Lena blinked and said, "You've been saving all your money here? You know, there *are* these things called banks."

Yulia giggled. Then she got a sober look on her face and said, "I've been saving my money because I'd been thinking about asking you to run away with me. I kept it here because I wanted to be able to get to it quickly."

Lena stared at her a moment and then said, "I'd been thinking the same thing. Actually, I've got some money at my house too. I have more at the bank, but with what we both have we should be able to get away and be comfortable until we can get to the rest of my money. We will use what I have in the bank to get a place."

"But that is your school money Lena!" Yulia protested.

Lena smiled and said, "If I am meant to go to school we will find a way to get me there. What is important to me is being with *you*."

"Lena....I *promise* that somehow I will make all this up to you." Yulia said. She began packing again and didn't notice Lena's puzzled look.

She watched Yulia and saw that her hands were shaking as she threw clothes into her bag. Lena could also tell that Yulia was trying hard not to cry.

Lena walked over and embraced her. The tears Yulia had been fighting began to fall. Yulia hated herself for not being able to protect Lena from her mother. She decided that *nobody* would hurt Lena again. She would do *anything* to keep Lena safe.

Then she heard Lena say, "It's going to be ok, Yuli. We'll leave together and they won't be able to hurt us again."

Yulia managed to gasp out, "I'm so sorry Lena. I'm so sorry for what she said to you. For what she did to you."

"Yuli." Lena said softly. "Please look at me."

Yulia hesitated a moment. She knew that Lena loved her, but the hate that she'd heard her entire life was still effecting her.

But she knew that Lena's love was true, so she looked into Lena's eyes.

"It *wasn't* your fault. In no way was it your fault. Do you understand?"

Yulia nodded, but Lena could still sense some doubt.

"I love you Yuli." Lena said. "Always and forever." It was a promise and a vow.

The certainty in Lena's voice made Yulia fall in love with her all over again. She smiled and said, "I love you too, Lena. Always and forever."

*****

Yulia was putting some of her stuff in the trunk of Lena's car. Lena was carrying the last bag of Yulia's clothes when she noticed Yulia's journal lying on the floor of the living room.

Lena picked it up and tucked it under her arm. Yulia had put all of her hopes and dreams into this book. That made it special to Lena. Yulia might want to keep it, and Lena certainly wasn't going to leave it behind for Yulia's psycho mother to destroy.

*****

Yulia was amazed to find that Lena had a couple of bags packed and waiting in her closet.

Lena shrugged. "I told you I was ready to leave."

"Yeah...I guess I didn't realize you'd planned it out this much." Yuila said. "Why didn't you leave, Lena?"

"You mean before I met you?"

"Yeah."

"Well, I didn't really think things would be better anywhere else. Why should strangers care about me more than my family members did?" Lena said.

"They were wrong, Lena." Yulia said.

"I know." Lena said quietly. "I'm just explaining how I felt. It was like I was trapped and lost at the same time. I didn't have the courage to even dream that someone could love me until you came along."

"I...I know what you mean." Yulia said.

"I thought you would." Lena said tenderly and kissed Yulia on the forehead. "I'm so glad that we are leaving together, Yuli. I'm glad that I can tell you how much I love you without being afraid anymore."

"Me too, Lena." Yulia said. "Me too."

*****

Lena paused as she started to follow Yuila out of her room.

"What is it?" Yuila asked.

"Something I forgot. Go ahead out to the car. I'll be right there."

"All right." Yulia agreed.

As Lena walked into her mother's room, she smiled as she heard Yulia jump down the stairs. She *always* did that.

In the back of her mother's closet, she found what she was looking for. Her father's old leather jacket. It was too big for her, but she put it on anyway.

The smell of the leather instantly brought back a flood of memories for Lena. Good ones. Even though she was sometimes angry at her dad for killing himself, at that moment she just felt love for him.

It seemed to her that she could feel him smiling at her, and cheering her on.

She felt certain that he would have loved Yuli, if for no other reason than that Yuli loved her.

"Thank you daddy." Lena whispered. "I love you. I hope you are happy wherever you are."

*****

Lena had intended on going without leaving behind a note for her mother.

But just as she was about to leave her mother's room, she remembered the poem she had been working on.

The last line of that poem seemed perfect for her to leave as her last words to her mother.

She picked up one of her mother's lipsticks and wrote on the mirror, "Where once an angel fell, now there are two angels rising."

Lena smiled. Let her mother figure *that* out if she could.

She hurried to get to Yuli, who was probably wondering what was taking Lena so long.

Lena dashed down the stairs. When she got to the last couple of stairs she smiled, then jumped down the last couple of stairs.

As she ran out the front door, she was giggling.

Chapter 15

Yulia smiled as she saw Lena bound out of the house wearing a leather jacket that was quite large for her.

When Lena got into the car, Yulia said, "That was your dad's jacket." It wasn't a question.

Lena flashed her a huge grin. "Yes! How did you know?"

"I just knew as soon as I saw you wearing it. I can't explain how." Yulia said.

"You know, as soon as I put it on I could feel his...spirit, I guess." Lena said. "He's happy for me, Yuli. For us."

Yulia gave Lena a gentle smile and said, "I'm glad, Lena. I'm really glad that you felt that."

Lena took Yulia's hand in hers, squeezed it, and said, "Thank you, Yuli. Some people would have thought I was crazy to admit I felt that." Lena laughed a little and said, "Some people think I'm crazy anyway."

"Nobody that matters." Yulia said.

"You're right." Lena said, smiling. "Ready to start our new life?"

"Absolutely!" Yulia said.

Both of them felt very excited as Lena started the car and they drove away.

*****

Lena smiled fondly as she glanced over at Yulia, who was asleep in the passenger seat. They'd agreed to take turns driving, but Lena intended to drive as long as she could. She knew that Yulia was exhausted and emotionally drained from everything that had happened that night.

Lena hoped that no matter where they ended up, that Yulia would find peace at last.

I'll just shower her with love until all those knots in her soul loosen and she's able to love herself, Lena thought.

A song by Travis Tritt came on the radio, and without even thinking about it, Lena began to sing softly along:

I can't hide the way I feel about you....anymore.

I can't hold the hurt inside, keep the pain out of my eyes...anymore.

My tears no longer waiting.

My resistance ain't that strong.

A small voice keeps repeating, deep inside my soul.

It says I can't keep pretending, that I don't love you...anymore.

"Well, we don't have to pretend anymore." Yulia said quietly.

Lena jumped a little, not expecting Yulia to be awake.

"Oh Yuli! I'm sorry. I didn't mean to wake you!"

"That doesn't matter." Yulia said, grinning. "I'd be happy to lose sleep to hear you sing. I can't believe you haven't sung in front of me before. You are *good*, Lena."

Lena blushed, then asked, "You really think so?"

"I know so." Yulia said. "And isn't it past time for me to drive a while?"

Lena laughed and said, "Ok. I'll pull over."

When Lena had done so, and turned off the car, Yulia asked, "Will you promise me something? Please don't let that be the last time I hear you sing."

Lena blushed again, but said, "All right Yuli. I promise."

*****

Lena had felt herself tensing up as she led a half-awake Yulia to the motel room they had just paid for, but couldn't figure out why.

At least, not until they both froze as they were about to get into bed.

Stop being stupid! Lena thought. She's much too tired to be thinking of anything like that. Plus she is not going to rush you. And she'd *never* hurt you!

Lena could feel her chest tighten, and tears forming in her eyes anyway. After everything that had happened, she didn't want to be a disapointment to Yulia.

Yulia walked over to Lena and took one of her hands. Then she said, "I don't expect anything to happen tonight."

"How long is that going to last?" Lena asked bitterly, hating herself for asking, and hating more the fact that her past was catching up to her already.

I was a fool to think I'd be free of all that just by leaving town, Lena thought. She could feel the tears begining to fall.

Then Yulia said, "As long as you need."

Lena could only stare at her. She knew in her heart that Yulia was telling the truth. She'd wait, as long as it took.

Yulia tenderly pulled her into an embrace and said, "I don't *ever* want you to feel like you *have* to do anything you don't want to. We won't even kiss, if you don't want to. Anything we do will be because *we* want to. I'm not going to hurt you and use you like that bastard did. I'd be very upset if you and I made love and then I found out you did it only to please me. That would be wrong."

Lena asked, "How did I get so lucky...to find *you*?"

Yulia smiled and said, "I think I'm the one with the luck."

Lena smiled back at her. Then she asked, "Do you want to try and go to sleep? You look like you are about to fall asleep standing up."

"I feel like I could do just that." Yulia said. "Er...is it ok if I kiss you goodnight?"

Oh my God, she's being so sweet! Lena thought.

She nodded and said, "Please."

They kissed. Very gently at first, but it soon became even more passionate than their first kiss.

When they finally pulled apart, Lena said, almost too quietly to be heard, "Wow."

"Yeah." Yulia said, wearing the biggest grin Lena had ever seen on her face, "Wow."

They got into bed, and Yulia asked, "Can I hold you?"

"I'd like that very much." Lena said.

After a few minutes, Lena asked a question she *knew* the answer to but wanted to hear Yulia say it anyway. "You aren't going to be sorry you took me with you, are you Yuli?"

"No." Yulia answered. "I love you Lena."

Lena thought that she'd never get tired of hearing Yuila say she loved her.

"I love you too, Yuli." Lena said. "Thank you for being so patient with me."

"I like the idea of taking it slow. I would have been a little afraid to do that so soon. It will mean that much more when we do make love."

"I'm just glad you understand." Lena said.

"I'm glad you understand me. Goodnight baby." Yulia said.

"Goodnight Yuli." Lena said, and kissed Yulia lightly on the lips.

*****

A few months later....

Yulia was home.

Her *real* home....with Lena. She'd never known that she could feel so safe and secure just by walking into the apartment she shared with the woman she loved.

Not long after they'd moved in, Lena had shown her a quote from a book by Richard Bach that Yulia never forgot.

She was sure that Lena remembered it as well.

It said, "The bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each other's life. Rarely do members of one family grow up under one roof."

Yulia was happy that she had a real family now. Lena.

When Yulia walked into their apartment, she saw a note lying on the table in the living room. It had her name on the front, as well as a heart drawn on it. Yulia smiled and opened it.

Lena had written a poem inside:

I say I am ready

I tell you I am fine.

So don't worry if I'm shaking

when you put your hand in mine.

I know that in you

I have gotten only the best.

You have my heart and soul

now I'm giving you the rest.

This is where we have been headed

this is what our love had planned.

So I want you to have me

any way that you can.

I need you to make love to me

and make me forget the past.

I'm certain this was meant to be

and I know our love will last.

I am ready for this miracle

that shouldn't be so surprising.

For where once one angel fell

now there are two angels rising.

Yulia's jaw had dropped when she got to the line "Now I'm giving you the rest.". By the time she finished the poem she had an amazed grin on her face.

When Yulia looked up from the paper she was holding, she saw that Lena had come out of the bedroom and was holding out her hand to Yulia.

Yulia walked over and took Lena's hand. Lena pulled her close, and Yulia could tell by the look in her eyes that Lena truly *was* ready for this.

Lena, knowing that this wasn't all her decision, asked gently, "Are *you* ready, Yuli?"

Yulia smiled and said, "Oh yes! I love you Lena, more than life itself!"

Lena kissed her, and when they broke the kiss she whispered, "I love you too, Yuli. With everything in me, I love you!"

Then, not hurrying but not walking slowly either, they went into the bedroom. Two angels that had been in Hell while alone, found their Heaven when they discovered each other.

The End

Beyond The Ashes (Sequel to FFY)                                                                                                                                                                                back